My life is not great. I was abused and abused and then put away to be abused again later. I surrounded myself with people who would never be there to help me when I needed it and the only person who did died in a car crash and I was changed forever.
I met people and I make decisions and I lie. I mean not just to people but to myself. I have become this shell of a person full of lies and full of anguish that goes along with those lies. I hold on to memories and things of a life that never really existed. I put myself in that situation and I lied to everyone saying it was the greatest thing I had ever done and that I knew what I was doing and I could do this and do that, all of the things I know I could never be OK with or do.
I kept doing it and kept being in that place even though I know it was hurting me and it wasn't going to change no matter how much I was lied to or how much I lied to myself. I am not a perfect person and I will never claim to be one. I have made really bad mistakes and they have defined me and what everyone thinks of me.
Yes, I might be a little dramatic at times but I think that has to do with the fact that I feel like I could lose my life at any moment and when things matter to me I want to fight tooth and nail to make sure they work and that everyone is safe and happy at the cost of my own safety and happiness. Love is something that can not be defined and is different to everyone. I have always lied to myself about it and I have no freaking clue what love is. I want to see it and hold it and keep it with me always but that person doesn't really exist.
I have been told that I am controlling and crazy and that I need to grow up. I have a problem. A real problem with depression and it has been a constant battle in my life since I was twelve. I never got help and I drifted in and out of that boat of lies hoping that I would get better on my own. I know that is not true but I feel that it is too much to tell someone that. I don't care if I am being the most ridiculous person in the world, if I am going to harm myself you should be there if you love me. I was shown that people do love me and that they would come to my side when I called them. They would patch my wounds and sit beside me while I cried and shrank into the tiniest person that I could have ever become.
Maybe I am controlling to an extent because my life has been out of control for so long and I have been trying to tie it down in every way I can. I have wanted to be with a person who understands me and can see me for who I really am. I am a broken soul who needs help. I put my demons in the closet and gravitate towards people who need help. If I feel like I am doing something to help, my worries about myself disappear. This is not healthy and not right. I wish that I could get over that and stop worrying so much about people who want to hurt themselves, but I can't.
I really want to move forward and stop hurting myself and stop being that person who puts the demons away and when the closet gets too full it breaks open and I am sitting on the floor again with blood on my hands. I don't want to do that. I want someone to come to me and tell me it will be OK and hold me and just be there for me. I want a partner who is just that, a partner. We support each other and live together without worries and just love each other every night before we fall asleep. I don't want to have to worry about the other person hurting themselves beyond repair because they share the same demon closet as me, but they leave that door open all the time or the other person who is just like me and ignores it completely. Is there one person who exists for all of us, someone so compatible in every way that matters?
Is that person out there for me? I might have ruined the chance to have that and to hold that person and to just be truly happy. I am a fucking coward who sabotages his own life to make sure that it will always be the life my mother told me I would lead. I am worthless and I barely deserve to live. All I can think is that I am here to take abuse and here to be something for everyone but nothing for myself. I am alone and I hate it more than being in a terrible place. In that terrible place, there are people. These people hurt me and whatever but at least they are there. This, yes, is crazy and I am unstable and need to get help.
I also know that this is a terrible place to air my life and all that is going on but damn it is all I know how to do. I don't really care if people read and respond but I do hope that help will come from writing and talking. I need people to tell me that what I did was wrong and that I am being stupid and that I need help. I don't need people to lie to me about who and what I am. I know what I am and I have a pretty rough idea of who I am. Lies have gotten me into the worst place I have ever been. I have never wanted to end my life so much and I am only not doing it because of the people in my life. How fucked up is that?
Goodnight world and thanks for always being there to remind me of how worthless my life is and thanks again for putting people in my life that need me but wont let me help.
I met people and I make decisions and I lie. I mean not just to people but to myself. I have become this shell of a person full of lies and full of anguish that goes along with those lies. I hold on to memories and things of a life that never really existed. I put myself in that situation and I lied to everyone saying it was the greatest thing I had ever done and that I knew what I was doing and I could do this and do that, all of the things I know I could never be OK with or do.
I kept doing it and kept being in that place even though I know it was hurting me and it wasn't going to change no matter how much I was lied to or how much I lied to myself. I am not a perfect person and I will never claim to be one. I have made really bad mistakes and they have defined me and what everyone thinks of me.
Yes, I might be a little dramatic at times but I think that has to do with the fact that I feel like I could lose my life at any moment and when things matter to me I want to fight tooth and nail to make sure they work and that everyone is safe and happy at the cost of my own safety and happiness. Love is something that can not be defined and is different to everyone. I have always lied to myself about it and I have no freaking clue what love is. I want to see it and hold it and keep it with me always but that person doesn't really exist.
I have been told that I am controlling and crazy and that I need to grow up. I have a problem. A real problem with depression and it has been a constant battle in my life since I was twelve. I never got help and I drifted in and out of that boat of lies hoping that I would get better on my own. I know that is not true but I feel that it is too much to tell someone that. I don't care if I am being the most ridiculous person in the world, if I am going to harm myself you should be there if you love me. I was shown that people do love me and that they would come to my side when I called them. They would patch my wounds and sit beside me while I cried and shrank into the tiniest person that I could have ever become.
Maybe I am controlling to an extent because my life has been out of control for so long and I have been trying to tie it down in every way I can. I have wanted to be with a person who understands me and can see me for who I really am. I am a broken soul who needs help. I put my demons in the closet and gravitate towards people who need help. If I feel like I am doing something to help, my worries about myself disappear. This is not healthy and not right. I wish that I could get over that and stop worrying so much about people who want to hurt themselves, but I can't.
I really want to move forward and stop hurting myself and stop being that person who puts the demons away and when the closet gets too full it breaks open and I am sitting on the floor again with blood on my hands. I don't want to do that. I want someone to come to me and tell me it will be OK and hold me and just be there for me. I want a partner who is just that, a partner. We support each other and live together without worries and just love each other every night before we fall asleep. I don't want to have to worry about the other person hurting themselves beyond repair because they share the same demon closet as me, but they leave that door open all the time or the other person who is just like me and ignores it completely. Is there one person who exists for all of us, someone so compatible in every way that matters?
Is that person out there for me? I might have ruined the chance to have that and to hold that person and to just be truly happy. I am a fucking coward who sabotages his own life to make sure that it will always be the life my mother told me I would lead. I am worthless and I barely deserve to live. All I can think is that I am here to take abuse and here to be something for everyone but nothing for myself. I am alone and I hate it more than being in a terrible place. In that terrible place, there are people. These people hurt me and whatever but at least they are there. This, yes, is crazy and I am unstable and need to get help.
I also know that this is a terrible place to air my life and all that is going on but damn it is all I know how to do. I don't really care if people read and respond but I do hope that help will come from writing and talking. I need people to tell me that what I did was wrong and that I am being stupid and that I need help. I don't need people to lie to me about who and what I am. I know what I am and I have a pretty rough idea of who I am. Lies have gotten me into the worst place I have ever been. I have never wanted to end my life so much and I am only not doing it because of the people in my life. How fucked up is that?
Goodnight world and thanks for always being there to remind me of how worthless my life is and thanks again for putting people in my life that need me but wont let me help.