So this last year or so has been really hard. Most of you know what has been going on but also most of you have no idea. I am not saying that I am keeping anything from all of you it is just that if I don't know whats going on, you can't.
People have come into my life over the years and I have always cared more about them than they could ever for me. I got used and tossed away. I keep telling myself that I am going to get used to it and that I shouldn't keep putting myself out there if I know the person is just going to leave me at the drop of a hat, but I am also terrible at falling out.
Here is sit with a broken heart and a few new scars. I smolder in the fire of confusion waiting for someone to throw something into said fire that will spark me into moving forward. How am I supposed to know how to pluck myself up and carry on, knowing that I am keeping people in my life that will only hurt me? Questions only lead to heartache and I follow the teachings of Socrates, always ask the "why" to figure out the "what".
I am bad at goodbyes. When I say bad, I mean it feels like someone is carving my heart out of my chest with a rusty fork and a dull butter-knife. I can feel every poke and prod. I can't shake this feeling of dread and self loathing. No matter how many good things I do there is always a ten bad things to bury it. Why am I in a perpetual motion machine of torture and regret? When will I stop trying to help people make the right choices and just make them myself?
The things that I do are not what define me because no one ever asks why I do them. They just sit back and react instead of trying to understand me. I want people to love me but they always keep me at a distance. Is it because I am too visible and too vulnerable to those that I love? I must need to peel this bleeding heart from my sleeve. Too bad its permanently placed there by the death of my best friend. I will forever be available to all of those who need me.
People have come into my life over the years and I have always cared more about them than they could ever for me. I got used and tossed away. I keep telling myself that I am going to get used to it and that I shouldn't keep putting myself out there if I know the person is just going to leave me at the drop of a hat, but I am also terrible at falling out.
Here is sit with a broken heart and a few new scars. I smolder in the fire of confusion waiting for someone to throw something into said fire that will spark me into moving forward. How am I supposed to know how to pluck myself up and carry on, knowing that I am keeping people in my life that will only hurt me? Questions only lead to heartache and I follow the teachings of Socrates, always ask the "why" to figure out the "what".
I am bad at goodbyes. When I say bad, I mean it feels like someone is carving my heart out of my chest with a rusty fork and a dull butter-knife. I can feel every poke and prod. I can't shake this feeling of dread and self loathing. No matter how many good things I do there is always a ten bad things to bury it. Why am I in a perpetual motion machine of torture and regret? When will I stop trying to help people make the right choices and just make them myself?
The things that I do are not what define me because no one ever asks why I do them. They just sit back and react instead of trying to understand me. I want people to love me but they always keep me at a distance. Is it because I am too visible and too vulnerable to those that I love? I must need to peel this bleeding heart from my sleeve. Too bad its permanently placed there by the death of my best friend. I will forever be available to all of those who need me.